he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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