His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
