Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize