I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
