We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
