i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
