Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
