thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize