If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
