I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
