Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
