We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize