You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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