So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
