my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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