i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
