I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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