if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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