P.S. I can't hear my feet
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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