I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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