my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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