Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
