I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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