just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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