He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
