I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The struggles of a small town man whore
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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