standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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