I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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