I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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