I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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