Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
