I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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