is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
