My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
