My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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