I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
