yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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