I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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