Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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