I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize