Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
