So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
