Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
