I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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