Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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