Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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