I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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