i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
