I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
