There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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