I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
