Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
