The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is classic penis vs brain.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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