$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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