do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
3 2 1 whiskey
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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