I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wear drunk well.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize