so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
