dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
