Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
pop tarts are not kleenex
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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