My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
